The 4 Types of Spammers

The Deaf Pan-Handler

Maybe you took a flier from him a while back. Maybe he found your email and just thought you seemed generous. Either way, now, he won’t leave you alone. You tell him you’re not interested, you try and avoid him, but the guy just won?t take a hint. His optimism is kind of endearing, in a pitiful way, but you’ve got business to attend to, damnit! Finally, you run out of options and report him. Guess what? He gets a new address and comes back. Eventually, you’ll just learn to ignore him.

The Nigerian Prince
Classic. He identifies himself as a stranger; someone who needs your help to get his fortune/valuables out of an insecure location and into your hands. It’s obviously too good to be true, but you can?t help but wonder, even hope, that it might just be for real. After a few seconds of tentative optimism, you trash his message scams like that tend not to repeat.

The Lunatic
He has no shame, no fear, and nothing to hide. He will run around your inbox aimlessly, screaming incoherent gibberish while making you feel ashamed to be sharing the internet with him. He’ll get caught and shut down, but another three will pop up in his place. Fortunately, he’s easy to spot and easy to ignore.

The Skin Suit
At first glance, nothing seems much amiss. He’s from your bank, a local business, or someplace else that you trust. But then you really look at him. OHGOODJESUSNO he isn’t who you thought he was. He looks legit, even his address checks out, but behind that face you know so well is a stranger, a dangerous man who wants to destroy you. And as you stare into those cold, electronic eyes, you realize what makes him different; what makes him truly terrifying: This took time. This isn’t some regular lunatic out for your cash. This is someone patient, someone who takes pride in their work, and someone who, at that very moment, is manipulating your life in ways you don’t completely understand. You feel a crushing despair.

Then you mark it as spam and get on with your life.